Skip to main content

Crying at the gym...Again

Originally posted on my facebook page, June 2, 2017
Crying at the gym...take 2

Today the only demons I am fighting are my own.

I am grieving the loss of my fat (ter) self. I am missing the woman who sat in her bed having burger after burger after burger and just not giving a crap.

I miss the feeling that I am loved even though I am morbidly obese. I miss the fact I was able to shut up my inner self with unhealthy food and forget about life's aches and pains.

I miss that when I had a bad day (like today) I was able to smother that pain with some thing sweet. These are my demons.

Today. I grieve that woman. She is gone. This is my demon.
I fought with myself. I didn't want to come here. I wanted to stop at cinnabon, laura secord and somewhere with a big fat juicy burger. And eat them until I puked. These are my demons.

I didn't even stop and buy myself a coffee. This is my VICTORY.

I made it to the gym. This is my VICTORY.

I did a smaller amount of weights than I normally do. I reasoned with myself... "It's been a rough day... take it easy don't worry about it..."

I got on the eliptical... "it's ok... go on a lower setting... only do 5 minutes don't worry about it"

I considered staying off through dreadmill... "It's ok, It's only one day"

I DID weights. This is my VICTORY.

I turned up the crossramp and resistance on the eliptical. I did 5 minutes, I did 10 minutes and then I did 15. This is my VICTORY.

And I looked the dreadmill in the settings panel and I climbed on. speeds of 3.5...speeds of 4.0...speeds of 5.5...speeds of 6.7 (my normal max) and speeds of 7.0... Hello new record.
These are my demons.... I carry them with me all day every day.

But taking back my health? That is my VICTORY.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What its like to be the fat person at the gym

Originally posted on my facebook page, May 26, 2017 I'm sitting in the change room at the gym, trying to gather my thoughts... but honestly I feel like breaking down and sobbing. Dear Buff Guy at the gym... As I  put my weights on the bar, I saw you watching me. I started my squats and moved to a lower amount of weights to do bench presses. As I grabbed some weights and carried them farmers walk style across the gym, I saw you watching me. As I struggled to find the right weights to thrown down, squat down and press up, I saw you watching me. As I did all of these things... I saw you watching me. I saw you smile and laugh to yourself...and I even saw you shake your head when I struggled. Was is the way my fat pockets bounce across my thighs as I walk? Was it the sheer amount of weight I carry on my short frame? Or maybe it was the way my old faded shorts bag, and bunch? Or the way my tank top is tied at the back because it is now much bigger than when I started my j...
Post a Comment
Read more

What to do with my protein macro?

So I read something today on the Internets and I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts... what I read was "it is important to eat your protein often throughout the day so there is always protein in your blood stream. Otherwise your body will use muscle for fuel rather than fat" Now. I always get a fair amount of protein, usually between 100-160g a day. And I generally eat 2 meals a day somewhere between noon and 4pm and again around 7pm...And very little snacking. But I do walk over 5kms most days and I do cardio and weight lift 3x a week and swimming 1x a week. I've been measured twice now with a body fat scale and at the second time I weighed in my muscle mass was down a smidgen and body fat up a smidgen  the dr said I need more measurements to see for sure if I am losing muscle or not... So what are your thoughts? I understand I won't be able to make large gains while trying to focus on fat loss but I don't want to lose the muscle I do ha...
Post a Comment
Read more

Welcome to my weightloss and fitness journey!

Hi there! My name is Jennah and I started my weight loss journey February 1st 2017.  When I started this journey I had no idea how far I would go, or even what I was doing but here I am! My starting weight was 280lbs and my goal weight is somewhere between 160-170. I realize these numbers are still high for my height (5'2) but really...all I want is to be a safe weight to sky dive! This blog will be about many things. Things I love, things I hate. My motivation or lack thereof. I will share things I have already written on my journey and hopefully share many more new things as I stumble along. I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts at the moment so I will be back soon! As always you can find some of my journey on facebook, twitter and instagram using my hashtag #StrongIsWhereIBelong Much love! Jennah
Post a Comment
Read more